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Coping Strategy: #2 No News Is Good News

Having bipolar or any form of ill mental health may make you more compelled to take on the worlds problems. I know I do, I have struggled to come to terms with some of what I read, watch or hear in the media. A lot of which can be just propaganda. Tragic world news always bothers me: earthquakes, floods, terrorism. When such news breaks I instantly feel that I need to spring into action and do something about it. I quite simply can’t. 

Which then means I have to tackle my passion and emotion, leaving me often quite distressed and exhausted. The hardest for me to cope with are usually instances of abuse, especially against children and animals. 


When it comes to politics, well I really don’t know what to say. It feels as though the world is falling apart at the seems and I worry so much for the generations coming through. I instantly feel aggressive at the thought of the dodgy, Mexican wall building, tangoed, omadon across the pond. 


The only way of truly coping with this is by boycotting news altogether. No news on TV, none on the radio and absolutely no news papers or magazines. Why anyone would want to start and end their day with depressing, hateful news stories I’ll never know. 

I understand that there is an element of keeping abreast on current affairs. However the way it is usually delivered is all to bullish and in a way to scare people, or to mask truth. 

I hear of what goes on, it may be drip fed through the stauses of friends on facebook or twitter. Through conversations with family and colleagues. At least that way I am in control of what I need to know and if I want to understand more I can find it somewhere to read. 

You may call me ignorant, I call it coping. Mental health issues or not, we have such a great deal going on in our lives. Life is tough enough without the medias wooden spoon. That’s why for me, no news is good news. 

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The Show Must Go On…

 

Empty spaces – what are we living for
Abandoned places – I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for…
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I’ll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I’m learning, I must be warmer now
I’ll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly – my friends
The show must go on
The show must go on
I’ll face it with a grin
I’m never giving in
On – with the show –
I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the –
On with the show –
The show must go on…
A classic really, one that most people will be able to relate too in different ways and levels. I love the sheer drama of the track. There two lyrics that get me “I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in in, on with the show” and “I have to find the will to carry on, on with the show”.  Naturally Freddies version will always be top of the tree for me, however I did enjoy the Jim Broadbent and Nicole Kidman version in the Moulin Rogue.
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Mother said…

Blues For Breakfast

On 23rdSeptember 1986 my beautiful little boy was born 7 lbs 10 oz dark brown hair, he was my life I doted on everything he did. He was a good baby and happy when he was snuggled up close to me. He had a hernia operation when he was one-year-old, and again when he was eight years old, he took it in his stride and even coming back from the theatre he was standing up on the trolley and they said that they had never had that before, but that’s my boy.

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Always friendly and outgoing he made friends easily and enjoyed people’s company, of all ages, even from a very early age he wanted to help people he always wanted to go to the shop on his own and I would stand on the street and watch him walk to the shop and back. He always seemed very grown…

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Posted in All Posts, Drama, Uncategorized

I’m a lady…whoa…whoa…whoa..

Another great rehearsal tonight for our upcoming show in (14 days today!) March. 

Nanny Nutall managed most of it without her script too which certainly makes the acting bit a lot easier. She’s just got to get her bum into gear with the dance numbers!

She’s even bagged herself a song now so the world can hear her squark, I mean sing. As she’s an avid Tom Jones fan, she will be belting out one of his classics as part of her grand entrance to the show. 

She’s got her hair sorted and an assortment of stunning frocks and bloomers. I tell you now, she’s gonna look a right bogger…sorry I meant bobby dazzler. 

All she and the rest of the wonderful characters in the classic tale need now, is an audience. So if your free on the dates shown in the poster, then why not pop over and see us. Drop me a message and I’ll sort you out with some tickets. I assure you that you won’t go home disappointed, it’s a cracking nights entertainment and it’s children friendly so the whole family can enjoy. 

Posted in All Posts, Bipolar Diaries, Poems, Uncategorized

One More Angel To Fly…

Your wings had grew

You were ready to fly

After your death

You took to the sky

 

We may be confused

May not understand

If we’d realised you hurt

We could have held your hand

 

But your up there now

Looking down at as all

Keeping watch

Finally standing tall

 

There’s no one to blame

Not you and not I

You did what you had to

One more angel to fly

 

Heaven is blessed

To have you there

We will meet again

Someday, somewhere x

 

This is a short poem I wrote in December 2015 after the funeral of a friend who tragically took her own life.

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My beautiful, annoying, clever, strong, witty sister…

Today is a special day, it’s the birthday of my beautiful, annoying, clever, strong and witty sister Natalie-Jayne. Natalie for short, Nat if your lazy but for today I’ll call her…Snot-face!

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On 15th February 1990, our world was shook with the arrival of baby snot-face. No longer an only child, I had to adapt to my role of older brother, to the households new bundle of joy. Things didn’t start particularly well.

 

See I had a helium balloon, I accidently (as many 4 year olds do) let go of said balloon and witnessed it float higher and higher, eventually out of sight and most definitely out of grasp. I was 4 years old so naturally the devastation of loosing something so dear and important to me was all too much too bare. They say Bipolar could be caused by a series of traumatic events, perhaps this is event number one, I can’t be certain, just throwing it out there. Now I was told that this balloon would be replaced and that there was nothing to worry about. As young children do they believe their parents beyond all cause for doubt.

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Mine was the big one in the middle!

Snot-face was then born, right after #balloongate. Which meant that said balloon was in fact not replaced. That said balloon and my need for it was no longer appreciated. Only moments in my life and this new addition is already getting my goat.

 

The years passed and we typically didn’t really like each other. She was annoying, I was fabulous. She looked as rough as a badgers arse that had been dragged up a gravel path and I looked like a god, well a god with ginger curtains, pasty skin and acne.

“How my parents did not know, I have no idea”

We tried to get along, even taking part in each others hobbies. She joined the Studio Players but it wasn’t for her. I got lead roles, she got to play a corn on the cob. She loved horse riding, so I tried that, she would gallop round those fields with grace. I fell off and the horse stamped on foot, pain aside, ruined a brand new pair of trainers!

 

I left home…that was it, I left home. I moved out and slowly but surely we started to get on. She buggered off to Tenerife for a while, I darted off down to London. She came home and then settled down, I returned a few years later and did the same.

She has since given me a fabulous niece in Lola-Rose and a superhero nephew in Harrison, like the best gifts ever. She’s matured into a beautiful lady with an abundance of talents. She’s not been without health issues herself but, she is always fired up to push on with sheer determination and drive. Constantly strives to achieve more, give more and sprinkle glitter on bad situations. She’s charitable, thoughtful, hilarious. I love her!

She has a pure heart of gold and whilst she was an unbearable sibling as a child, she’s a sibling I couldn’t live without now as an adult, nor would I want to. No longer just a sister but a great friend too. I love you dearly snot-face. Happy 27th Birthday, have a wonderful day. xxx

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Glad to say I’m now as keen as mustard when it comes to our Nat

 

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Coping Strategy: #1 Fag Ash Lil

Coping strategy #1 Fag Ash Lil

Blues For Breakfast

I thought I’d start with one that may be controversial, quite simply because smoking is not good for you. In fact smoking is indeed very bad for you. It’s not big, it’s not clever, I am an idiot…however…

For me smoking is a coping strategy. I am not recommending that you take up smoking for one instant. I have smoked all my life from a very young age. I could quit if I wanted too but quite frankly I do not see it happening anytime soon.

You often get asked on  questionnaires, by doctors, dentist etc how many per week you smoke. Well for me that is entirely dependant on what kind of week I am having. If I am having a low anxiety week with a relatively stable mood then it is quite possible that 20 cigarettes could stretch as far as the entire week.

Take this week, it has…

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“Lights out, all out” – in fact anything with a plug on it…

It’s 2017, I’m 30 years old, we have ourselves a power cut. The power has been out since 2.30pm and there’s no update on when it will be back on. Although, I admit it’s great to be reporting on a different type of darkness for a change. 

Rather naively, I was surprised that we were even having one at all, I mean genuinely surprised, I didn’t think this was still a thing. I don’t recall a single power cut in my adult years, unless something hadn’t been paid?!

Only now that’s not the case, everything is up to date and after Jamie speaking to 105, it would seem they are unsure of the cause of the issue. So we wait…

Some candles…

Being thrown into the dark ages this afternoon, I can’t help but reminisce (quite fondly) of the power cuts we used to have when we were kids. I’m sure a real inconvenience for mum and dad, but bloody exciting for me. 

The emergency candles would come out from under the sink and as I recall, we may even play a board game or two – Monopoly being an all time favourite! 

Some more candles…

Now, at 30, I have fancier candles (scented if you please) a torch on my phone, can still use my phone to contact civilisation, order food to be delivered within an hour to my door, play games, stream a movie, catch up on social media, blog! 

A lovely posh crackling candle with two good looking blokes in the background and a cheeky shot of Arthur…

However I am so, incredibly, bored. The irony being that: we would probably have a take away anyway, we spend most of our times on our mobiles on social media, YouTube, playing games and blogging, all completely unaffected by the lack of power (unless our phone dies). 

Why is it only now, that I feel desperation to use the dishwasher, washing machine, tumble dryer… house phone?! When there are incredibly high chances that I would have not used them anyway, what’s more, even higher chances of me not using them when the lecky’s back on. 

I think if there is one thing that this little power shortage has taught me about myself, it’s that I may be more of a Millennial than I realise – which quite frankly, scares the shite out of me! 

A theatrical looking candle with a theatrical looking geezer…
Posted in All Posts, Bipolar Diaries, Uncategorized

Coping Strategy: #1 Fag Ash Lil

I thought I’d start with one that may be controversial, quite simply because smoking is not good for you. In fact smoking is indeed very bad for you. It’s not big, it’s not clever, I am an idiot…however…

 

For me smoking is a coping strategy. I am not recommending that you take up smoking for one instant. I have smoked all my life from a very young age. I could quit if I wanted too but quite frankly I do not see it happening anytime soon.

 

You often get asked on  questionnaires, by doctors, dentist etc how many per week you smoke. Well for me that is entirely dependant on what kind of week I am having. If I am having a low anxiety week with a relatively stable mood then it is quite possible that 20 cigarettes could stretch as far as the entire week.

 

Take this week, it has been a 30 a week…week.

 

Now throw a social occasion into the week, perhaps a wedding or party. It is possible that on such an occasion I may smoke 20 in one day, perhaps if the anxiety levels are particularly high, I may Dot Cotton my way nearer to 40 in one day.

 

So other than risk of lung cancer, gum disease and no body wanting to sit next to me because I smell like an ash tray, what do I get from smoking that I see as a coping strategy?

 

Well it’s quite simple and obvious really…headspace.

 

Being a smoker gives me the perfect excuse to get up and walk out of a room, building,  party, conversation. I  can depart with confidence, politely and grab a few moments peace. I don’t need to make laborious excuses as to why I need to nip outside, several times in one evening. I can quite simply say “Just nipping for a quick smoke” and I needn’t explain myself anymore than that.

When I am around others, I can feel very, very claustrophobic. Sometimes this is worse when I’m surrounded by good friends and loved ones as opposed to strangers. I get very anxious and panicky. Heart racing, palms sweating, very conscious on the sound and feeling of your beating pulse. Says it’s a wedding reception. You arrive and the party is already in full swing, has been all day. You walk up to the venue and the anxiety levels increase. You get inside and make you way to the room that the reception is being held. This disco has already begun. Therefore the room is poorly lit, lots of shadows. The music is louder so you are unable to hear what people are saying and the likelihood is most of the people are drinking and have been all day, therefore on a totally different wave length to you. It is at this point that I would tend to go to the bar and get myself a drink. Perhaps before I have even spoken to anyone else at the function, even the bride and groom.

 

As soon as I have my drink it’s time to pop out for cigarette number one. I may see others out there smoking that I know and use them to talk to in order to gradually settle in to the party atmosphere. It may be that I have cigarette number two before I go back in. It has been known before now where there has been many smokers I know that I would stay outside all night.

 

If I do go back in doors, then I will usually find the Bride and Groom next, ask if they’ve had a decent day, offer to get them a drink. Fundamentally I am letting them know that I have arrived, depending on how long I am able to stick it out, the next time they may see me could be when I come over to say good bye. Which could in some cases only be an hour later.

 

It all sounds really pathetic doesn’t it? The time I spend at a function, wedding, party, is no reflection of how I feel about the host. Just more a reflection of how well I am handling my emotions and mood. By smoking, I tend to manage better, particularly if I am attending somewhere alone.

Posted in All Posts, Music, My Boys, Uncategorized

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face…

With Valentines Day looming it felt appropriate to dedicate this Sundays sound to the one I love. My Jamie. I remember hearing this song the first day we met, I’d heard the song before, just never in that way. This ones for you babe, Happy Valentines Day xxx

 

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies, my love
To the dark and the endless skies

 

And the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command, my love
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last ’til the end of time, my love
And it would last ’til the end of time, my love
The first time ever I saw your face
Your face
Your face
Your face